I Could Never do What You’re Doing!
You are so strong. I wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed. I wouldn’t be able to do this or that. Words I’ve come accustom to hearing since losing my son, Braedon. The reality is unless you’ve been through what I’ve been through you have no idea what you would or wouldn’t be able to do. You can’t compare losing your brother or sister; your parents, grandparents or even your spouse to the loss of your child. Losing your child goes against the natural order of the world and there is no possible way for anyone to predict what they would do or how they would put the pieces of their lives back together.
In the early moments so much darkness hung over me I honestly felt petrified that I would never find my way back into the light. I was afraid I’d never experience joy again, laugh again or be able to truly live. I didn’t know how I would ever get the last few agonizing hours and moments of Braedon’s life out of my mind so that I could remember the eight-teen wonderful years that we had with him.
Needing something Bigger than Myself
We all heal in different ways; there is no right or wrong way to journey through grief. I knew early on that needed something different; I had to find a way to survive. I needed something bigger than me; something that was for others as much as it was for me. I needed something good to come this heart wrenching loss. I needed for Braedon to be remembered in a big way; I needed his light to keep shining. He touched the hearts of so many people and made a lasting impact on every who knew him; that I am certain of. What I want though is bigger than that. I want his light to shine so bright that even those who didn’t have the privilege of knowing him will feel the impact he made in the world.
Suffering in Optional
Buddha said, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” I truly believe that. I have days that are filled with such darkness. I long and ache for Braedon and feel pain all the way into bones. When that wave hits me and the world crashes around me, I honor it. I sit with it; I feel it, I let the flood gates open and the tears pour out. I could choose to stay there; nobody would even blame me but who would that serve? It wouldn’t serve Braedon’s memory; it wouldn’t honor the beautiful life we had with him. It wouldn’t serve me, and it wouldn’t serve the world.
Honoring Braedon with my Life
I am no stronger than you or the next person. I feel pain too.
I ache all over. I feel the weight crushing down on me and the air being pulled from my lungs. I battle depression and worry about how I will live the rest of my life with a piece of my heart missing. I would give up everything for a few precious moments with Braedon but that isn’t possible. Like Buddha said though, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” I don’t have to say in the darkness. I can let the light pierce through the cracks in my fragile heart. I can honor Braedon with my life, with how I show up in the world, how I give back and how I own my brave. You can do this too. No matter what you’ve been through or are going through; I believe that with every fiber of my being. Own your brave!
Want to step into your brave a little more? Join the 100 Brave Things Community!