To My Dearest Son Braedon,
It’s been one year, 365 agonizing days since you were called home. It feels like a thousand years since I was able to look into your sparkling eyes, see a room light up with the flash of your smile, hear your laughter or feel the comfort of your arms around me. At the same time, it feels like just yesterday that I held your hand and whispered I love you as you took your final breaths on this earth.
I know I told you I loved you nearly everyday of your life but I’m not sure you ever knew the magnitude of my love. I want you to know that being your mother was the greatest honor of my life. I am stronger, braver and wiser because of you. I am better for having known you. You showed me a love I knew was possible. You were my guiding light and the beat of my heart. You taught me to believe in miracles and enriched my life in ways I never dreamed of. Everything I am today is because of you; nobody has had a more profound impact on my life.
Learning to live without you…
And finding a way to keep my heart beating after yours stopped has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I do it for you. Like I was there for you in your final moments I feel you here with me as I wake each day to learn that it wasn’t a bad dream and you really are gone. I feel your hand pull me up off the floor when I think I can’t stand. I hear the whisper of your voice telling me to keep fighting when I don’t know if I can go on. And I do. I do it for you; no matter what it takes.
I am living for you now too…
And I promise you no matter what, I will never stop trying. I will honor you with my life. I will keep your light shining brightly by making a difference in our community in your memory. I will live like you did and I will be brave with my life. I won’t get wrapped up it what could go wrong. I will be stubborn like you in the pursuit of my dreams and passions. No matter how many times I fall I will keep getting back up and do what it takes to become the best version of me. I will never stop trying to make you proud.
I will remember the good times.
I will try my best to not focus on those final moments of your life and all that I lost the day you left. Instead I will remember all that I gained by having the divine privilege of being your momma. I will laugh, smile and cry sometimes too but those are just memories running down my face. Those tears are the cost of truest, deepest and purest love there is; the infinite love that exists between a mother and her child.
I will love you fiercely all my days sweet boy. It’s been a long day without you, it’s been a long year without. Until I see you again.
Love Princess Momma XO