My Struggle is Real
I’ve been quiet this last week. I’ve struggled to focus and struggled to show up here and in my life. This has become a part of my life now more so than ever before. Suddenly it’s like everything boils over at once and I can’t control it. The grief, PTSD and depression just get too heavy to carry and I fall apart; everything comes pouring out at once. People tell me it’s normal, but I can assure you, there is nothing normal about losing your child and constantly feeling that loss until it unravels you completely; again and again.
Grief is Hard; Really Hard.
I know we’ve all been fed the lie that time will heal our pain and I so wish that were true. Time changes our pain, yes but it doesn’t quite heal it, that I know for certain. It’s been almost two years since I had to say goodbye to Braedon and my wounds have not healed over, my bones still ache, my soul still cries out and the uneasiness that washed over after he passed hasn’t subsided. I still have nightmares about his passing that are just too awful to share. I still feel like I somehow let him down even though I know it’s irrational. I long so badly to hear his laughter, see his smile, and to wrap my arms around him. What I wouldn’t do for just a few moments with that kid. Just a minute to tell him how much he is loved and missed.
When Everything Boils Over
When this happens, when everything comes to that boiling point. When I can’t think or focus. When I feel everything and nothing at the same time. I give myself space; I recognize my burdens are heavy and they are so hard to carry. I take time to feel my pain and sort through the loss that I continue to face every single day. You see, it’s a loss that never ends so it’s a constant journey that ebbs and flows. I cry. I sit with that pain. I take long baths and have naps in the middle of the day. I give myself love. I give myself time to fall apart. Time to feel all the feels; the good, the bad, the ugly, the breathtakingly painful and heartbreakingly beautiful.
I give myself grace.
Do you Need to give yourself Grace?
Are there any areas in your life, where you need to give yourself a little grace? What would it look like if you gave yourself the space you needed to feel your pain and sort through your heavy burdens? How could you love yourself a little more? How would you show up differently if you recognized that this thing you’re going through is hard, really hard? Needing rest, needing time to heal and process your experiences does not make you weak my friend; it makes you human.
Sometimes falling apart is just what our soul needs. Our hearts may have wounds and scars; some pieces might even be missing but as we heal we come back stronger, more resilient and braver than ever before. If we’re committed. If we do the work and take the time we need our hearts might even shine once again. Perhaps even just a little bit brighter than before.
Tell me, are you willing to give yourself grace? Are you willing to feel your pain in order to come back stronger, more resilient and braver than before?