17,520 hours Since we Had to Say Goodbye

To My Dearest Son Braedon,

It’s been two years, 24 months, 730 agonizing days, 17,520 hours, two birthdays, two Christmases, two Easter’s, two Mother’s Days, two Father’s Days since you were called home. It feels like a thousand years since I was able to look into your sparkling eyes, see a room light up with the flash of your smile, hear your laughter or feel the comfort of your arms around me. At the same time, it feels like just yesterday that I held your hand and whispered I love you as you took your final breaths on this earth.

I know I told you I loved you nearly everyday of your life but I still worry you didn’t know the magnitude of my love. I want you to know that being your mother was the greatest honor of my life. I am stronger, braver, wiser and more resilient because of you. I am a better human being for having known you. You showed me a love I never knew was possible. You were my guiding light and the beat of my heart. You taught me to believe in miracles and enriched my life in ways I never dreamed of. Everything I am today is because of you; nobody has had a more profound impact on my life.

LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU…

And finding a way to keep my heart beating after yours stopped continues to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I do it for you. Like I was there for you in your final moments I feel you here with me as I wake each day to learn that it wasn’t a bad dream and you really are gone. I feel your hand pull me up off the floor when I don’t know if I can’t stand. I hear the whisper of your voice telling me to get back up when I don’t know if I can go on. It’s your shining light that leads me when I feel lost in the dark and your incredible courage that pushes me to be brave with my life. To   never stop pushing to live a life of purpose and to create an impact in the world around me.

 And I do. I do it for you; no matter what it takes.

I AM LIVING FOR YOU NOW TOO…

And I promise you no matter what, I will never stop trying. I will honor you with my life. I will keep your light shining brightly by making a difference in our community in your memory. I will live like you did and I will be brave with my life. I won’t get wrapped up in what could go wrong. I will be stubborn like you in the pursuit of my dreams and passions. No matter how many times I fall I will keep getting back up. I may have dirt on my face, my knees may be scraped up but I will get back up. I will do what it takes to become the absolute best version of me and I will never stop trying to make you proud.

I WILL REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES.

I will always try my best to not focus on those final moments of your life and all that I lost the day you left. Instead, I will remember all that I gained by having the divine privilege of being your momma. I will laugh, smile and cry sometimes too but those are just memories running down my face. Those tears are the cost of truest, deepest and purest love there is; the infinite love that exists between a mother and her child.

As parents we are supposed to be the teachers in our child’s life but the truth is you have taught me so much in your eighteen years and you continue to teach me all the way from heaven. I will never be able to repay you for the gifts that you have given me in this life but I will continue to live for you, I will be brave for you and never stop trying to make you proud. 

I will love you fiercely all my days sweet boy. It’s been a long day without you, it’s been a long year without. Until I see you again.

Love Princess Momma XO

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