I know it’s shocking isn’t it?
I have been every size from a teeny- tiny compact, acceptable and expected size 3 to my current and much larger, often unacceptable, plus size body and I can assure you that confidence doesn’t come from your pant size. I walk onto stages to speak, to share, to connect, to encourage, motivate, inspire and empower others and I do that from my current body. My current plus size body. I intentionally step into the light and share the deepest parts of myself; for all to see in hopes that my story will awaken something inside of someone who is listening; someone who needs me and needs my story. I peel off my armour piece by piece and as it falls to the wayside I stand naked with my soul exposed. I am nervous but I don’t run. I don’t look away. I don’t retreat. I stay in the light hoping to know you and hoping that you will want to know me too. I am, in this body, the most seen I’ve ever been. The most real I’ve ever been and the most vulnerable I’ve ever been.
Some Parts are Jiggly
Like many women, from grandmothers, to mothers, daughters, aunts, sisters and friends my body isn’t where I want it to be. Some parts are jiggly and some parts are much larger than I’d like them to be. If I’m being truly honest most parts are bigger than I want them to be. This body I have now though, is the one I take onto stages, the one I take in front of my camera, the one I continuously and purposefully show up in and it’s far from what we’re told is beautiful. Far from what we’re told is sexy. Far from what is even considered acceptable. It’s what most consider an unflattering body, a lazy person’s body, a body belonging to someone who doesn’t take care of herself. All of which don’t depict me. They don’t tell the real story. They don’t tell the story of my wellness journey. They don’t tell the story of my struggle with food and binge eating. They don’t tell the story of how hard I work and how every time I fall I get back. No they don’t reflect me or my journey.
My stomach isn’t flat.
It’s round and full and plagued with stretch marks that crawl all the way up to my belly button. Some from carrying and growing Braedon inside my body. Some, though I’m embarrassed to say, are from gaining and losing weight again and again as I fight for the desired & coveted thin and healthy body. My arms are jiggly and my legs are thick and for decades. Decades. Plural. More than one. More than two if I’m going to continue to be real and I am. I have tried every diet in efforts to shrink myself; in efforts to look like I feel on the inside.
I drank the magical powders, and took the pills that would surely change my life, increase my metabolism and sprinkle fairy dust on my whole damn world. I’ve outlawed carbohydrates and even banished fruit at different times; there’s way too much sugar in that you know! I put the drops under my tongue and dramatically restricted calories. I’ve fasted for only parts of the day because when you do that way it’s called intermittent fasting not starvation. I drank the Kool-Aid and believed the lie that in order to feel confident that I needed to shrink my body. In order to be confident I needed to be small and shiny and pretty for all to see. I needed to be thin. Thin is the essence of confidence in this world isn’t it? Can you even be confident if you’re not thin?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
You can be! I’m here to let you know that despite what you may have been led to believe confidence is not found in your pant size! You don’t have to be thin to be confident. I know this for sure because I am not thin but I am a very confident women. In fact; I’m plus size remember? Overweight. What some would call fat or plump. I’m even considered obese by some metrics. Even though I’m confident I detest being considered obese. It sounds terrible; sends the wrong message. I exercise regularly, have had a gym membership for nearly two decades. I love trying different classes and going on hikes with my husband. I even keep trying to force myself to like yoga for Pete’s Sakes. I mean it’s ok; just a little slow but I know it’s so good for me. Are there any faster versions of yoga, more upbeat maybe?
Thin & Plus Size
I have been thin, remember, I was a size three and all the way up to plus size. Yes I felt pretty. I felt good in my clothes and good in my skin but you know what I didn’t have? I didn’t have the kind of confidence that would have allowed me to walk onto stages. The kind of confidence to go on camera. The kind of confidence to chase my biggest dreams and wildest visions. To show up even when I was afraid. To stretch myself. To speak even when I’m not even sure anyone’s listening. To be willing to be seen; truly seen. To stand before all and bare my naked soul. To show the deepest parts of myself. To be vulnerable and still. My thin body didn’t give me that kind of confidence.
I wouldn’t have even admitted to having these big goals, dreams or visions back then. I certainly wouldn’t have walked onto stages. I wouldn’t have been willing to share my story of loss and growth; my struggles with depression. I wouldn’t have been willing to remove my armour. Don’t get me wrong, I am still working towards becoming the healthiest, most energetic and strongest version of me. I just want for all of you to stop looking for your confidence in your pants size, in the shape of your body or your body fat percentage because it won’t give you real results.
Real confidence, the kind that can change the trajectory of your life. That’s found in keeping promises to yourself. That’s found in showing up again and again, even when you’re afraid. That’s found when you do the inner work. That’s found in being yourself and showing up as the most authentic version of you despite what anyone might think. That’s found when you are willing to take off your armour; piece by piece and let the world see you, really see into the window of your soul. When you are willing to stand steadfast in everything that you are, in every vision you hold for your life and in every dream that you dare to dream. Real confidence is found when you shine from the inside out.
Want to work with Tiffany Agnew? Group coaching and individual coaching are available. Email TIFFANYDAGNEW@GMAIL.COM or text 506.608.7747 to set up your free session.